Wife Swap Dad edition
by Amair
Summary: Emmett and Alice sign Esme up for wife swap, to find Carlisle will be going instead to the Ortiz family in toldeo Ohio. Get ready for randomness, humor, and pranks!
1. The Cullen's letter

Wife swap

Emmett pov.

"It came! It finally came!" I yelled out after I checked the mail, the cream envelope with WIFE SWAP on it was the last in the pile of junk mail, outdoor living, gardening secrets and music monthly. I was home alone, everyone else was hunting, so now I could have to figure out how to tell them. I know Alice already knows, I went to her to make sure it would be ok. I mean seriously, I'm not THAT stupid… At first she wouldn't do it, but I used my Emmett charm.

Eddie has been suspicious, even though I don't think he knows. Alice has been thinking about Jasper in 'certain ways' so Edward is scared to look in her mind. I have thinking of rose, mmm rose. Wait, what was I thinking about? Oh well...

A few hours later

Carlisle pov

Everyone was running home from hunting, everyone except Emmett for some reason he wanted to stay home. I heard him mumble something about a letter coming, which is weird since usually all we get is shopping catalogs for the girls, some playboy for Emmett and Jasper, musical stuff for Edward and mechanical stuff for Jacob. We all got back to the house and opened the door. I heard Emmett drop something, run up to his room and jump out the window. He and his antics...

"Carlisle, this isn't one of his jokes, go check what he dropped on the counter." . Said Edward. I was worried, I didn't know what it was so I walked into the beautiful kitchen my wife just remodeled. None of this stuff is any use to us, but on the rare occasions we have guests, it helps. But on the marble counter was an envelope with the letters W S on it. It was addressed to me so I opened it carefully. It read "Congrats Mrs. And Mr. Cullen! Your entry for Wife swap was magnificent and we would love to put you on our show. For a special episode, instead of have wives swap, the husbands will. Our very first Husband swap! On June 24th we will have a camera man come and film your family, June 25th you will be picked up in a limo and taken to Toledo Ohio." I just stood there, staring at the paper. What ever possessed Emmett to do this? Just then Alice spoke up.

Apov

I was just about to walk into the kitchen when I had a vision

_We were all sitting by the tv and were watch wife swap, it was a special edition where Carlisle would be going instead Esme. It showed Carlisle walking into a dark blue house, when a little rat like thing attacked him and he ran ( at human speed) outside, then asking the crew what it was._

I already knew about the wife swap part, but I promised Emmett I wouldn't tell. I knew Carlisle would not be happy about this, so I decided not to chance losing my credit cards. "It's ok daddy, I saw it and it will be fine!". Carlisle took a deep calming breath, and in a low voice, in which you could tell he was trying to keep his temper. "You knew?" "Of course not daddy! I would never do such a thing to you! I just now saw it!". I saw Emmett look at me with a shocked face. All I got to say is all's fair in love and shopping.

By that time everyone but Esme were gathered in the kitchen. Carlisle almost looked panicked, which was very rare. I could fell my Jazzy trying to calm everyone down. Once everyone was remotely calm, rose spoke up "What's the big deal, it's just a letter. What could it possibly say that could get Carlisle so panicked?" "Rosalie dear, it's not just a letter, if the Volturi decide it might expose us, they might come after us."

I looked into the Volturi's future, I saw Aro, Causus, Markus and the guard gathered around a 110" tv watching us, they were all laughing, even Jane.

I guess my eyes went blank like they sometimes do, everyone was staring at me. "What did you see Alice?" Carlisle asked. "They were all laughing, even Jane. They'll find it funny. We won't have any problems with they Volturi!" I replied with my usual perkiness. Bella, with Nessie on her her hip spoke up. "That's all well and good, but what are we talking about in the first place?"

Carlisle placed the letter on the table. After we all read it, he then said "Now, Emmett let us all see the video.


	2. The Ortiz's letter and video

The letter

Cecil pov

I was just getting home from my shift at fed ex, I parked my Harley Davis in the drive way of my much to small house. 5 years ago my girlfriend and her two daughters moved in with me. Bree and Payton, they are extremely annoying but I have to deal with them if I want my girlfriend being able to live with me.

I didn't finish the thought as I sorted throughout the mail, where there was a big letter with the initials WS. I walked into the door to see Bree and Payton sitting in the room watching some fashion show with little girls, I think it's called toddlers in tiaras. Dawn must still be getting our kids, Maddy and Brody. Bree looked up "CECIL! I didn't expect you to be here so early! Did you get the mail!" she said in a panicy voice. "Yeah, oh and do you know what this WS thing is?". Bree looked like a deer in headlights, then she jumped out of her chair, grabbed Cooper, her Yorkie, and ran into her room then locked the door. I opened the letter and read it. Congrats

_Ms. And Mr. Ortiz! Your entry for Wife swap was magnificent and we would love to put you on our show. For a special episode, instead of have wives swap, the husbands will. Our very first Husband swap! On June 24th we will have a camera man come and film your family, June 25th you will be picked up in a limo and taken to Forks Washington!"_

The letter dropped out of my hand and onto the floor, at that moment Dawn came home. "Honey, what's wrong." She said as she picked up the letter and read it. She then screamed for Bree, she had a lot of explaining to do...

Bree came out, she had puppy dog eyes, trying to get out of this. "What is this? I know you did this!" Dawn said, she looked like her head was going to explode. "Well, I want to be on tv, and I saw an ad to be on wifeswap, it looked like fun, so I made the video and sent it in." "Show us the video" I said, how could she do this thing, I mean, really I have no time to be on tv, and all that crap, but it's to late now. Bree went to her room and got a dvd, then put it in the tv.

_The camera showed Maddie playing in her little club house playing with dolls. Then Bree's voice got deep to sound like me, this is Maddie, my 4 year old daughter, she was dawn and I's first child, she loves playing princess with her half sister Peyton." The camera then moved inside to Peyton's room. She didn't know that the camera was on her, and she was playing barbies, "This is Peyton, she is 8 years old and Dawn and her old Husband's second child." Peyton was having Ken and Barbie kiss, Barbie making some interesting sounds. "She is a little messed up in the head… The camera moved to the living room where Dawn and Brodie were playing with some toys. "This is Dawn and Brodie, Dawn is my lovely girlfriend and Brodie is our second child, who is 18 months." The camera moved to Bree's room, where it show a picture of Bree. "This is Bree, she is at one of her friends party's right now, so I'll just show you her room" It showed Bree's messy room, Poster's everywhere on the walls and stuff strewn all over the floor. "I hope you pick us!"_ Then the tv went black. We all just stared.


	3. Cullen's Video

Wife swap 2

Esme pov

I just got back from 'grocery shopping' which is just buying food that we will be donating to the homeless when I walked into the family room and saw the most interesting sight. My dear Carlisle was pacing back and forth looking extremely stressed, Edward and rosalie looked really annoyed. Bella looked worried, Alice was bouncing out of her seat, Jasper was focused on keeping the room calm and Emmett looked, well guilty. That's a first...

Then Emmett pulled a DVD out of his pocket, it was probably some R rated stuff that Rosalie busted him on. He put it in and pressed play. Oh God! I don't want to watch this! But then I saw something other than what I previously thought it was.

_Emmett's voice was imitating Carlisle's "Hello wife swap peoples, I am Carlisle Cullen, the head doctor of Forks hospital. The camera then pointed to the kitchen where Esme was making food for Jake and Renesmee. "This is my beautiful wife Esme, we have been married for 9 years, she is making us a vegetarian dinner for our 8 adopted children, we will meet them next. _

_The camera walked towards the living room where Jasper and Emmett were playing black ops. Emmett must have used a tripod then voiced over. "These are two of my sons, Emmett and Jasper, we adopted Emmett after his family was mauled by bears on a camping trip. He was barley able to be able saved. He looks rough and tough but is really a big Teddy bear, he is dating his adopted sister rosalie. Emmett is 18 and in 12th grade. Jasper was horribly abused by his step mom, his injuries were almost fatal, luckily I was able to treat him, once he was in stable condition, Esme and I fell in love with him and adopted him. He is obsessed with the civil war and is bipolar, changing moods quickly, but is on medication. Jasper is 17 and in 11th grade._

_The camera then moved upstairs and stopped in front of Bella and Edwards door. Edward and Bella were sitting on the piano bench playing a duet. Then 'Carlisle' said "These are my two most artistic children, Bella and Edward. Bella and her family were a close family family friend until her parents got into a car crash, we had no choice but to adopt her. She is 17 and in 11th grade. Edward was our first child we adopted. Both his parents and him were fatally sick with the influenza, I treated them all but only Edward survived. He is also 17 and in 11th grade." Just then Renesmee walked in the room and sat by her parents. "This is Renesmee, she is Edwards cousin, her parents were to young to have a child and adopted her out. Once Edward heard this news, he begged me and my wife to adopt her. She is 7 and is home schooled."_

_Emmett took the camera into the garage where Jacob was working on his rabbit. "This is Jake, he is from the reservation right down the road, his parents got in a car crash during a storm and drove over a cliff on the reservation. He loves cars though, always working on them, he and Renesmee are the only non vegetarians in the family. Jacob is 20 and is in college." As the camera was watching him work, the ferrari drove up into the garage. "Ah, perfect timing, this is Alice and Rosalie. Rose had a rough past and would rather not talk about it. She lives breaths and eats beauty, she and her non related brother, Emmett are dating. She is 18 and in 12th grade. Next is Alice, when she was 13, she woke up on the Side of a country road with amnesia, and found a note in her in her pocket saying that her parents drugged her so they couldn't be found, and they couldn't take care of her anymore. She remembers nothing of her past. She is the one who shops for the whole family, shopping is her life. She is 16 and in 10th gradeThanks for watching and I hope you pick us!"_

After the video was done, we all stared at Emmett. I didn't know how to feel, I guess neither did Jasper, because he stood up and declared "IM SO CONFUSED!" Then I heard Jacob whisper to Nessie, I guess he really is bipolar..." Everyone cracked up over that. The my beautiful Carlisle stood up. "Well, I guess we can't change anything, but you and your mates won't be able to sleep in the same room, Emmett and Jasper are in one room, Edward and Jake in another, Rosalie and Alice in one, and Nessie and Bella get their own separate rooms. Now go get your stuff rearranged and come back down once you are done."

Carlisle pov

This can't be happening, it just can't! Once this is done Emmett is losing his arm for a week! But anyways, it is happening and so we must embrace it, I will set some rules. All the children were seated in the dining/conference room waiting for me. I combed my fingers through my my hair once more a started...

"Well, everyone, thanks to Emmett you will be having a human in the house for two weeks and I will be going and few thousand miles away to a strange human house. Before I set ground rules, is there anything anyone would like to say? Any topic you want to start with?"

Jasper nodded "Hunting?"

"We all will hunt tonight and try to get a little extra, watch each other's eyes and if you think someone needs to hunt, take them during the night in local areas. I'll have to research the Toledo area for a good place to hunt. Anyone else?"

Jacob stood "LET'S GET A DOG NAMED SETH! But seriously Doctor Fang, can Seth hang out here in wolf form? He's been begging to be able to be here when they film."

I nodded.

"Well if that's everyone, here are the rules...

1 Be nice to each other

2 No extreme stuff, human strength wrestling for the guys, but that's it for fighting, be careful with that even.

3 Pranks to a minimum... Some are okay, but all must be run past Esme before hand.

4 No harming the human.

5 They have to see you eating, you can puke it up later.

6 No sex in the house, or cars. Find another place if you must.

7 Edward, if the human has any thoughts about Esme, set him straight.

8And lastly, just be careful with the fact we are vampires and werewolves.

Now, let's go hunt before the filmers get here!"


	4. AN

Hi everyone! I am back! This story WILL continue! And this will not be your regular wifeswap, it will be going in a VERY different direction than what you think will happen.


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